Autistic Am I

 I am not the person people see. Every word I share with people is not scripted but the feeling or the emotion behind those words are. I want to show people a good version of me. One they will approve of or even like. Whenever it’s my perception someone doesn’t think well of me I try to change their mind. How nice it must be to actually not care what people think of you. What’s that even like? Presenting an agreeable person has been a goal of mine since I was in 6th grade. Long time ago but the intent was very , well , intentional . The previous year I had  been invited to attend a school for advanced or gifted children because of how well I always scored on the standardized tests. Full disclosure , in the second grade I was put in the trailer outside the school with the kids that rode the short bus because of my poor reading comprehension. The year spent at the advanced school was one of the worst of my childhood. Most of the other children were advanced in social aspects as ...

Change has always been difficult for me. Nothing more so than abrupt change. When a thing changes suddenly it’s like I’m not really sure what to do. There will be a time of cognitive struggle with anger ,then after some time has passed, adjustment. I say that as if it’s no big deal but ,in the moment, it can feel catastrophic to me. Perhaps my schedule at work changes or the area that I am assigned to cover. My reaction to change is not always a rational thing. Once my employer changed the Wednesday menu at the cafeteria and looking back it felt so horrible to me at the time. I wrote an essay on the company website about the comforts of employees having the food that they enjoyed and have come to expect. In all actuality I was the only one so torn up about not being able to have fried chicken wings , turnip greens , sweet potatoe casserole and dressing every Wednesday for lunch. These few things I’ve described seem different to me than the most profound change I’ve ever felt. This is t...

 When I have interactions with other humans or when I’m scripting possible future interactions, when I think ,I use words. I will hear the words in my mind as if I’m speaking them. When thinking of things in the natural world that don’t include other humans all my thoughts are images. I’ve read this is a typical way of thinking for autistic people.  I much prefer the images. This quiets everything for me inside my head. Alternatives or possibilities are much easier and faster to work through without being hindered by language . Here’s the thing with that though. I may understand a thing in detail but not be able to share it with others because of my inability to translate my thoughts to language with accuracy.