Disclosure

 I was late diagnosed Autistic, having been diagnosed at 50 years old. I had begun my journey of self discovery a couple of years before diagnoses after living a lifetime with what I now know as autism and wanting to finally get to the bottom of why I was different.

I began experiencing severe anxiety at a very young age. It began when I started interacting with people outside my family at school. My differences in communication and learning were apparent to the other children, adults and myself. I became terribly self conscious in short order.

At the age of 6 I would leave the school after being dropped off in the morning and spend my days alone in the woods or walking the streets of my suburban neighborhood. If I did make it inside the school for class , when my anxiety became unbearable I would leave in the middle of the day. I would turn a corner or be out of sight from my teachers or peers and make a break for it.

As I aged my struggles with all things social continued. I was not like other people except for some of my family , which I hated being compared to because of how they were seen by most as being odd or deficient in some way.

It was around the age of 11 that I began masking my differences in an attempt to fit in and be accepted by my peers. I would recognize others values and reflect those values back to them. This type of masking, which I have dubbed mirror masking , was very affective at allowing me to fit in and I discovered I was quite adept at it. I’ve found that most people would prefer to be around others with the same ideals as themselves. I feel this is at the root of why society as a whole is so unwelcoming to diversity.

I continued to use masking as a way to fit in and went on with my life. A life that was filled with overload , meltdown and self loathing because as good as I was at masking my differences to others, those differences were ever present to me. This was a life lived contrary to all my needs as an autistic individual.

I didn’t seek help from a mental health professional until I was 49 because of the stigma of doing so and also because I was fearful that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want to be labeled as defective.

After receiving my diagnosis almost two years ago at the age of 50 I started the process of disclosure which is still incomplete and ongoing today.

The process has been difficult, filled with a lot of embarrassment and shame. This embarrassment and shame is ofcourse because of my perception of how disclosing that I’m autistic is received by others.

I realize the shame and embarrassment I feel when disclosing is the shame and embarrassment of an 11 year old boy because that’s when I started hiding who I was and never processed my feelings of being different.

Theres 40 years worth of unmasking involved in my disclosure. Knowing how to explain to a person that I am genuine and that I haven’t been deceiving them for the entire relationship is difficult.

I am the person I portray myself to be but when it comes to social interaction I am always considering how I will be viewed by the person or persons I’m interacting with and adjust my ideals to be more in line with theirs as not to have conflict. Any conflict will showcase my differences and that is what I’ve been trying to hide all these years.

I am married and have two children , daughter 19 and son 12. I have disclosed to my wife and daughter but have been hesitant to let my son know because of his age and the implications it may have for him. My wife is uncomfortable with me disclosing to some members of her family. This hampers my efforts at disclosure but I understand where my wife is coming from because just like me she is worried about how it will affect both our children. I can only imagine how confusing my process of self understanding has been for her. She is a dedicated wife and the best mother a man could wish for his children. 

I have disclosed my diagnosis to my mother. My father was blaringly autistic (in hindsight). He passed away in 2014 . There was little to nothing known about autism in his formative years. He was quick tempered and when agitated would quickly become irate. He and I share that and many more traits as well. My mother has blamed him for all of our family’s struggles . It’s my perception she would rather believe herself correct about my father being a bad person than to admit his reactions weren’t his fault and she could have been to blame for some of our difficulties growing up. She will still tell stories of how she feels he was deficient even with the knowledge I am and he most likely was autistic. He is half of where I come from. With my disclosure to her I was hopeful she would recognize how her remarks might affect me but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I work for a large organization whose mission statement is diversity and inclusion. I have disclosed to the Human Resources department that I am autistic along with half a dozen coworkers and a couple of supervisors.

I have asked for and received two accommodations for my autism at work with the ability to add more as needed. 

One accommodation is that I may wear an earbud while at work to listen to music to help me block out distraction and focus on my work. The other is ,upon my request, instructions are to be relayed to me via email or text. The latter can be helpful as I quite often don’t understand others intentions without very specific language. Even with these accommodations there are still obstacles that create challenges in my workplace environment.

 It’s my perception that these accommodations have been put into place as more of a consequence of the organization’s stated mission statement of inclusion and diversity rather than to meet my needs as an autistic individual. I do , however, feel a sense of protection from having disclosed.

I haven’t seen any effort by my employer to increase the awareness of autism in the workplace. If that was apparent to me it would give me a sense that my needs aren’t just an inconvenience or something viewed as made up or slight and  not necessary. The organization I work for employs more the 20,000 people. With the latest estimates being that around 1 in 34 individuals are autistic, there are certainly many more autistic people employed there

My greatest strength in surviving a neurotypical world as an autistic individual has been my high masking abilities. It would seem this same ability is my greatest hinderance in my attempts at disclosure. It’s my perception that most people feel I’m running some sort of scam for my benefit or just seeking attention because having interacted with me they undoubtedly see a lot of themselves and wouldn’t like the thought of having been deceived . I can certainly relate to how hard it is to understand your perception of someone may be wrong.

So there it is. My experience with disclosing that I am autistic as a husband , father , son and employee.

No part of it has been easy or made me feel good about having done so.

I would do every bit of it all over again and intend on continuing my efforts to disclose. My perceptions of others intentions or ideas is very often wrong because I am autistic and unable to read social cues so I am forced to accept that I may be wrong in my perceptions of how my attempts at disclosure have been received by those I’ve disclosed to . 

The idea of creating an environment for myself where I can relax and not be ashamed of who I am is worth fighting for.

The idea of creating a world where young autists don’t have to endure a life of struggle as I have is a cause worthy of my sacrifice of any comfort that may come with my perception of acceptance.