Functionality

 So, I need to clarify more about myself.

There are terms used to describe autistic people that can be offensive.

In particular , “high functioning” or “low functioning”.

I would likely be described by those outside the autistic community as “high functioning”. This is a bit offensive to me because it feels like it diminishes my needs. 

I would describe myself as “high masking”. I am able to appear “allistic” or “neurotypical” because of my high masking abilities.

I mirror mask. I recognize the values others have and reflect those values back to them. I learned this tactic at a very young age to be able to “fit in” and not have my differences as easily recognized. 

Differences like having great difficulty regulating my emotions. When in this state I have limited ability to interact intelligently because I am spending so much of my cognitive ability trying to regulate my emotions.

When my attempts at regulating those emotions fail it can be an explosive display. When I was young , early teenage and preteen years , I would lash out physically. 

If there was an interaction with a person that caused me to become a little angry I would try to suppress that emotion. Very often when I made this attempt my anger would grow internally until it consumed my entire thought process. Unable to consider the consequences of my actions or reasonably express my thoughts to  those around me I would lash out violently.

The process for me today is much the same. When confronted with an emotional situation I quickly become overwhelmed. The difference is now I don’t lash out physically. I will lash out verbally or withdraw into myself and not speak at all. I think that’s called selective mutism.

It’s selective because it’s definitely a choice but the “choice” , at that particular time, is to lash out verbally and say things that will have consequences ( like hurting my wife’s feeling  or losing my job) or just not speak at all.

There are varying states of this for me. All of which leave me , to some degree, unable to express myself accurately.

This can be maddening. Having the abilty to contribute or function , at a high capacity but not being able to access that because I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I have little control over.

I think that’s a pretty good description of some of my struggles with autism.

I’m not in need of being institutionalized. I can perform many tasks better than others. 

I can take care of my hygenic needs and present myself as the “same” as those I encounter on a casual basis.

My differences are apparent to anyone who spends enough time with me one on one.

I have no savant abilities , save one. My ability to mask and appear allistic or neurotypical to all but the keenest eye.