Anxiety

 Most everything I’ve read on the subject suggests anxiety isn’t part of what autism is but rather a byproduct of autism and its functions.

The literature suggests that not being able to read social cues or understand the reasoning behind what people say or do leads to uncertainty of an autistic individual’s surroundings. Thus causing anxiety when the autist tries ,but fails to anticipate unfolding events.

I agree with the previous assessment of what causes anxiety for me as an autistic individual. I cannot see how this anxiety can be separated from autism itself as it is a direct result of autism.

I am in an almost constant state of anxiety. The state of my anxiety varies but it always exists. As the literature suggested I am unable to read social cues or recognize and understand people’s intentions.

Trauma of past events has lead me to always be on guard and attempt to be prepared for the worst case scenario of the situations I encounter in life.

Having a perceived preparedness for negative events gives me a feeling of control over interactions with other people that I don’t understand.

Being blindsided by an unperceived event can feel so devastating to me. Not seeing a break up coming or an adversarial interaction with a friend or coworker leaves me emotionally crippled. It’s as if everything, every perception I have of the world around me is shattered.

In a mechanism that is as of yet unknown to me these type interactions lead to a self loathing that I can only describe as very painful and all consuming. In this state I can feel nothing but sorrow and isolation.

With my attempts to be prepared for these type events comes a pitiful need for reassurance. Constantly asking my wife if she still loves me. Any disagreement with her leads me to the conclusion that she will divorce me.

I’m always seeking reassurance from my employer that I am doing a good job. Always having to give my all. Not out of the pride that comes from doing a good job but the fear that I am subpar and may be fired.

In friendships I feel an overwhelming need to offer everything that I can to help with any perceived need so that I may be percieved as worthy of friendship . This has lead to me being taken advantage of many times in my life by individuals that I could not recognize their intentions or that they had no intention to be my friend.

As in a chess match, backing up any move of a piece , in life I must always have a back up for every decision I make. A reason I can offer as evidence that I am not a bad person or that my intentions were not of malice so that people may include me in their lives or not exclude me from activities that give me the ability to earn a living.

It’s a life of near constant calculation. Never having an answer or way to determine if those calculations are correct but rather just enough to get to the next calculation.

Always being on guard and having to weigh the value of any input I may offer a situation is extremely exhausting. I often need time alone after extended periods of interaction. Especially if those interactions are not of my choosing, such as work.