Masking

The following is a post from a group chat of neurodiverse people I participate in. One of the members posted a question concerning masking.For whatever reason when my attempts of explaining myself are reactionary I seem to explain myself more accurately than when the attempt is made proactively.

  Masking for me has become a part of who I am. When I was younger , well before diagnosis, I was aware that I was altering my persona to meet what I percieved to be the needs of any person I was interacting with. That is to say what ever I percieved they needed to accept me.

I learned to mask at around age 11. Prior to that all my autistic traits would prevent me from having  meaningful relationships with any of my peers. 

I realized I had to hide who I really was in order to be accepted by others .

I mask still to this day.

I will try and recognize a persons values and reflect those values back to them .

I don’t see myself as disingenuous because masking has become who I am.

I can “act” like myself when I’m amongst family and close friends but their perception of me is ever present in my thoughts.

Perhaps I should have gone into politics.

After decades of masking I find myself not sure of who I am or what values I have beyond caring for my wife and children.

I can present any side of any issue as if it were my own.

Sometimes i feel connected to certain issues but I can always relate to the opposite side.

Some might see this as empathy but I believe it to be a mechanism of my masking.

My high masking ability is part of what kept me from seeking help from a mental health professional for so long.

I always thought I was mentally ill, I was sure a psychiatrist would have thought the same and had me locked away. Those were my thoughts anyway.

I know now that I am mentally ill. I struggle with an anxiety disorder. I believe that to be born from my autism and it occurs to me that my masking could be a core issue of my illness.

I’m sure many of y’all can relate to how insane it feels to ALWAYS have to give so much attention to what others think of you.

It’s so exhausting.

I too would like to know of other’s experience with masking.