Autistic Meltdowns

 Autistic meltdowns, where do I start? I’ve attempted descriptions of autistic meltdowns in the past but I don’t feel that I have ever accurately described them. I will give it another try.

I will see if I can 1st describe what my perception is that a meltdown looks like from an allistic or neurotypical point of view. Please bare in mind that this is my perception.

When agitated by overstimulation of seemingly minor events or stimuli I will choose to shut down all but my basic cognitive function and remit to a state of childlike behavior. 

I will only communicate with the most brief exchange of words. I will not share what it is that has put me into such an agitated state.

In the presence of close family or friends I  may give a child like display of anger and other negative emotions, exhibiting selfishness and the lack of consideration of how my behavior is affecting others.

Ultimately I will seperate myself from everyone only to return once I have calmed down. At this time I will express regret and embarrassment at how I have acted.

Hmmmm, that perspective was easier than I thought it would be to describe. Let me see if I can describe how a meltdown feels from the inside of my autistic mind.

To the seemingly endless numbers of meltdowns I have had there have always been triggers. These triggers can range from a terribly complex set of events that no one but myself has noticed to one simple interaction that has such an opposing ideology behind it to my own that I can’t process it. My meltdowns are almost always triggered by interactions with other people.

Here are some triggers I have encountered in the past.

Something has happened. Some sort of rule has been broken that I am trying to reconcile in my mind. Someone jaywalked and did not wait for the crossing signal. Someone was rude to a lady. Someone didn’t consider others points of view when making a decision that could affect them.

Or, someone one has egregiously wronged me. They didn’t inform me about a detail in our interaction that was a known variable. They took it upon themselves to make a decision for me. 

Or, I’m participating in an event as I have done  a thousand times. This time step 34 of 1096 was skipped or altered. What do I do now? How can I possibly continue this set of actions now that it has been altered into something I have no idea how to continue? The hundreds of times I’ve practiced this event in my mind are now useless. I don’t know how to proceed , there has been no preparation for this new event.

Or, someone is giving me information. I can’t comprehend the words they are speaking. They look at me as if I’m stupid. I nod my head in agreement as if I am now comprehending. I am asked to perform a task with the information I have been given but haven’t understood. I fail , the person giving me the information becomes angry and repeats the same information they have already given me only this time in an angry voice.

Or perhaps all of these things have happened in succession. I’ve been trying to suppress the emotions that many different triggers have caused within my mind and with one last “straw” my ability to suppress all of my negative emotions  fail.

Now we are where the meltdown begins. The event horizon if you will. That’s actually a good comparison, the event horizon of a black hole ,that is.

As I move through my day I encounter an emotional black hole. This being an event that creates a negative emotional reaction within me. My mind will start to circle this event , never really being able to escape its gravity but still able to resist the tilt into a free fall dive into its depths.

The emotional black hole’s gravity pulls in other negative emotions that I may experience while trying to resist the pull of the 1st event. This will strengthen the black holes gravity pulling at my mind even more. A third or fourth event triggering negative emotion pushes me to the inside of the event horizon. I still have the strength to fight its pull but the inevitable outcome is that I  will be ripped from that horizon where I am still able to access the part of my mind that gives me choice over my actions.

The pull becomes to strong and I am separated from my ability to navigate my direction and am forced to follow the path of the negative emotions which by this time are so very intense that the extreme of those emotions is all I can feel.

I lash out verbally, there is no reason to my outburst, only anger. I throw barbs attached to ropes of despair at those close to me in an attempt to stop my free fall . I know the place I am heading is a place of total isolation  where I will be alone with my extreme emotions.

I am consumed, alone and at the center of every negative feeling I have ever had. Those close to me may try to speak to me and help but I am in a place where their voice cannot reach. All is black and devoid of everything but the singularity of my deepest consciousness.

At this point I have separated myself from everyone. If I'm at home at this time I will be laying on my bed face down breathing into the covers for the soothing resistance the action offers me. This state can last minutes or hours.

From this point I will transfer back to a reasonable state of mind, with some time that is.

My mind sheds the negative emotions like a snake sheds its skin. I will feel the atmosphere around me. I will turn my head to breath freely and allow whatever remains of the negative emotions to be exhaled into oblivion.

As my senses return my focused mind will turn to those that may have witnessed my decline into meltdown and how I may have hurt them. I haven’t lashed out physically during an episode since I was a child but have having hurt someone close to me emotionally feels worse than any remebered feeling of violence from my youth.

Embarrassment about my actions and words during my meltdown soon turn to self loathing. This extends the period of isolation. My loved ones that have witnessed this event can only wait at this point for me to emerge from my now self imposed isolation and ask for thier forgiveness.

A forgiveness that I worry I may not receive each time.

A forgiveness that may be withheld and rightfully so.

At some point i return to my pre meltdown state and can continue on with my life but with the knowledge that this devastating event that I cannot find control of will eventually repeat itself. The mental and physical exhaustion from a meltdown can stay with me for days or weeks.

In the end isolation is my ultimate destination.

Isolation from choice , isolation from reason , isolation from those I love the most.

So , there it is. My latest attempt to describe what a meltdown is like. Two different perceptions that both end with me alone in a cold and loveless place.

I would like to note that in recent years there have been times I’ve had meltdowns and wasn’t able to reach the safety of my home. 

The implosion of a meltdown that I could not release has led to physical manifestations such as stabbing pains in my chest with visits to the ER , extensive testing , heart cathe with no explanation other than anxiety. 

Anxiety from external sources like the threat of termination for not going into occupied Covid patient rooms at my work and internal sources like trying to complete tasks I have been given the information for but have not been able to comprehend the thoughts behind the words of information.