Language

 I have always been very adept at learning different languages . I’m not talking about English , Spanish or French.  English is the only official language that I can speak. I’m talking about languages like the language of mechanics , technology, physics or any subject that has words and phrases that are typically used to describe functions or applications of  materials within a given subject.

This , I suppose , is a part of my masking. Whenever immersed in the culture of a subject , such as mechanics, I will learn words and phrases that might aid me in being a part of that culture so that I may hide my confusion when trying to learn the subject . I am a Gestalt learner so I will attempt to ingest the whole of a subject instead of following a lineal trail of knowledge that will lead me to understanding.

As you can imagine this can take me quite some time. So in the interim between my ignorance and understanding of a subject I will learn and apply words and phrases so that I may seem knowledgeable and not be recognized or thought of as deficient.

The problem with this is that I will appear to others to know more about a subject than I actually do. It’s my perception that expectations will be placed upon me based on others false perceptions about what I know.

Whenever I fail to meet the false perceptions ,that I myself have created as a result of my autism, it can cause an extreme amount of anxiety. I will feel as if I’ve committed some type of fraud against an individual or group.

I’ve always studied people in an attempt to fit in and be accepted. These types of people have ranged from the highest levels of business to the lowest dregs of our society. I can fit in almost anywhere by learning the language , values and dialect of individuals or groups.

I very often do not understand the ideology behind the words and phrases I use but given time ,my intellect will allow me to gleem knowledge of whatever situation I find myself in.

This all takes an enormous toll. If I’m not allowed to spend periods of time alone to recoup the mental energy I have spent blending in I will have an autistic meltdown. ( please se my post on that )