Communication

 Communication , miscommunication. miss-understanding , miss-representation. 

Just a few words that I’m struggling with, not the words themselves ofcourse.

I’ve recently been forced to communicate with people in a very real way about my needs as an autistic individual. It causes me so much grief, because of the way I misunderstand people.

I will be following what I think are directions as to the right way to communicate something to someone but it’s as if we are discussing two very different things with opposing outcomes.

Somehow the words I choose to say or write to express myself do not convey my thoughts accurately.

It’s so unclear to me how the ideas I’m relating to someone are so grossly misunderstood.

Perhaps it’s my understanding that is so inadequate.

If a person has a disability, like autism, you are suppose to reach out and ask for help. That’s what the directions say.

When I reach out and ask for help what I typically get is diagnosis.

“Oh, it’s not that big of a deal” , “ I can’t tell your autistic at all”

For a person to think I would risk outting myself and exposing the differences that I’ve hidden my entire life for any gain other than to gain the help I need because of my autism is so apparently obsurd to me.

How can that not be understood, I dont want to discuss something that I can not explain to myself in words , much less another individual. I know my own thoughts, I just can’t share them accurately.

How can they not see that I am horrified at asking for help and I want nothing more than to exist in the world without the awful anxiety that comes with my behavior being at odds with every piece of intelligence I have gathered over a lifetime explaining to my autisitc mind how I should act.

I hope that was confusing to read because it’s damn well confusing to think.

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!