Psychosis

 Ive been pondering my life lately, as I always do.

Everything is such a mystery to me, well, people more than anything else. The natural world is full of enigmas as well but theres always an answer to my questions if I look hard and long enough.

People on the other hand, if there is an answer to why a person is the way they are , that answer totally escapes me. Perhaps because of my mental disorder I am not capable of understanding others. In any case I can never understand a persons motives behind what they do.

I think being autistic must be a kin to experiencing psychosis. I don’t have hallucinations (that I'm aware of) and I feel I'm in constant contact with my reality but because I am unable to determine a persons intentions or motives for those intentions I will assume a person that treats me in a negative manner has bad intentions towards me.

This, I think, is a defense mechanism I developed at a young age as to not be blindsided by someones agression towards me. 

I recognize that every persons action towards me that I perceive as negative isn’t a crusade against me. But when a person does express negative feelings towards me I can only assume that they are “out to get me” in order to protect myself. 

This must be similar to a person having delusions of persecution. If a person does express negativity towards me and I am unable to judge the depth of the persons distain or intentions towards me I think I am justified in protecting myself from further aggresion. 

The outward appearance of this probably looks delusional as well. 

I have always had episodes or periods of time when I am consumed with the idea of protecting myself from percieved threats of aggression or otherwise wrong doing of a person or organization towards me.

These periods of time can last for days , weeks or months and are often revisited whenever I encounter the entity presenting the percieved threat again.

This all probably meets the definition of delusion with the exception that I am aware that the person or entity may not “have it out for me” , it’s just that I can’t tell for sure one way or the other.

As always , I am expressing my perceptions and opinions as an autistic individual and am not trying to define the autisitc experience for anyone else.

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