Impending doom

 Autism is a mental disorder , as it’s been explained to me , not a mental illness. My autism causes me alot of problems with communication which in turn leads me to have severe anxiety, a mental illness.

This anxiety can be triggered by so many things . A tiny little thought can trigger more unwelcome and unwanted thoughts that I cannot control. These thoughts will very often grow and develop into what a typical person would call unreasonable fears.

My autistic mind can’t tell the difference between what most people consider reasonable or not.

During these times of high anxiety my higher cortex seems to suffer some type of negative impact that affects my ability to communicate verbally.

Today my wife and children are traveling across town to visit my mother in law and help her prepare tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner.

A tiny little thought crept into my head this morning. The horrible thought of my family being in an auto accident and me losing them.

I know this is an unreasonable and morbid thought. I do not wish to have this thought in my head. This isnt a new experience for me. I have had these type unwanted thoughts my entire life. 

Thoughts of impending doom that I can not control or make go away. 

Im at work this morning and I’m having trouble communicating with people so much that I'm having to hide and avoid everyone.I spent a few minutes in the shop my coworkers and I gather at each morning trying to converse and I would lose (forget) what I was trying to say and stop speaking mid sentence.

I abruptly left the shop , I’m sure leaving my coworkers wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 

These type thoughts accompanied with the loss of cognitive abilities have haunted me as long as I can remember. Always forcing me to seek refuge by myself . It’s a feeling of total isolation and loss.

I know these type thoughts are unreasonable but that seems to have little effect on how real and intrusive these thoughts and accompanying behaviors are.

I will remain in this state until my family has returned home safely.

I don't know by what mechanism this happens , I describe it all as an affect of my autism but on a more personal level it is an affect of who or what I am.

As always I am trying to describe my own experience and not suggesting that other autistic folks are like me.