Very Substantial Support

 This post is going to be difficult for me. It has to do with my diagnosis as a level 3 autist ( in need of very substantial support)

When I first received the diagnosis I was not in agreement with being level 3 ASD ,in need of very substantial support. While I did agree I am autistic I didn’t think I was the same as autists you might see in an institution. I can take care of my own hygiene, dress myself, hold an job and carry on a conversation. If you were to have a conversation with me when I am well regulated and my needs are being met you would never suspect I am autistic. Even when unregulated , I mask at such a high level , unless a person is a mental health professional or very familiar with autism , they might never recognize my autistic traits. 

Looking back at my life before I met my wife I realize that in fact I do require very substantial assistance to live what society describes as a normal life.

Before my wife life was very different for me. I would work, until I became overwhelmed with whatever social situation at whichever job I happened to be working became too overwhelming for me to deal with then I would just quit. It would take time for me to recover from this type dysregulation.I would find another job but there would often be periods of weeks or sometimes months before I would work again.

Alcohol and drugs were a large part of my life then too. As most young people do , I wanted to participate in social activities but found my ever present anxiety from any type social interaction to be a barrier to those social interactions that I could not overcome.

Having been introduced to drugs and alcohol at a young age (around 11 or 12) I found I could socialize while under the affects of either, or both. In the beginning I also found relief from my anxiety for the 1st time in my life . Ofcourse this didn’t last and ofcourse , as it is for everyone, alcohol and drugs take more from you than they give. 

So my alcohol and drug use combined with my inability to sustain long term employment created a situation where I was always moving around. Staying with whichever family member or friend that would put up with me.

While I never made any attempts , during this time I always contemplated suicide. Having reached a point in my late 20’s where these thoughts became more prevalent and often, I knew I had to make a change or just get on with leaving this world.

I decided to stop using drugs. Shortly after this I met the woman that would become my wife. I was working at the time and having always been such a hard worker (I believe autistic inertia is a big reason for that) I was making descent money and all outward appearances would have been that I was as normal as anyone.

Very quickly , my then girlfriend and I started our life together. I followed her lead with everything to do with this new and wonderful life of which I had absolutely no idea how to maintain.

With her help I learned the importance of paying bills on time, not spending impulsively and realizing my existence was more than what I could see in front of me or how I felt at any given time .

This was all unbeknownst to her. 

I realize now that this is how I am with everyone in every situation. I will follow other people’s lead. I will learn details as I go by gleaming small tidbits of information from those around me , seemingly without their knowledge.

At work, I will learn from my coworkers by observing their actions concerning how to work on things and by watching their attitudes when dealing with social situations.

I mask all of these behaviors in an attempt for my differences to not be noticed . This is as involuntary as breathing or blinking my eyes.

When I’m alone at home, without my wife or children around me I am that same confused person I once was. Afraid of everything and not sure what to do.

The same is true at work when I am unfamiliar with a thing and there’s no one around for me to observe how to make a repair or how serious a situation is without another’s reaction for me to gauge. If I can’t recall an exact experience or have never made the necessary repair in the past I am crippled by anxiety over the situation.

I can only imagine that this appears as laziness or me being unwilling to try and figure something out from other’s perspectives. 

I like to believe at my age , with all the lessons I’ve learned in life that I would be able to overcome my autism and be able to live a normal life on my own if the need ever arose but I don’t know if I could and I hope to never find out.

So I have come to recognize and agree that I am in need of very substantial support to have and maintain the life I’ve come to live and love. This need for very substantial support seems to be something that goes unrecognized by those I am getting the support from. No doubt an affect of my high masking ability.

I learned to hide my needs at an early age as to not alert anyone to my differences . Differences that are always mocked and rarely , if ever, understood.