Going it alone

 When I started public school at the age of 6 , like many of us, it was the 1st time I interacted with anyone from outside my home other than family members.

The shock of having all of the social interaction forced on me would lead me to skip school very often. At the age of 6 , in the 1st grade , I would often leave school after being dropped off in the morning before school started. Some times I would leave during the day. I would turn a corner where no one could see then I would make a break for it. I’ve learned the term for this is eloping.

I would explore the woods or wander the streets of our suburban neighborhood by myself. Knowing that there would be consequences, namely my father’s belt, for the act of truancy. The feeling of being out from under the crushing and  oppressive weight of forced social interaction was more than enough reward and far greater a feeling than the fear of any discipline my father could dish out.

All of the talking , judging , threatening and violence that went on at school was so bizarre to me. I never had a clue what anyone was thinking or what they were about to say or do, and these are the adults I’m taking about .

The talking was all these words that seemed familiar but were being used together in ways I could not understand. When I couldn’t  understand the instruction being given I would be judged. Then when I still could not understand I would be threatened with discipline . When all this became too much and I lashed out I would be disciplined with physical violence. My teachers would use a ruler to slap my wrist or the principal of the school would paddle me. If any of this made it back to my father it would be the belt for sure.

I did not want to be in that hell, I took the few hours alone I could have and accepted whatever discipline may come.

I’m 52 years old now, with a wonderful wife and two loving children.I have this wonderful place called home where we all live together and love one another. If there is a heaven I hope it’s just like this.

I was diagnosed a few years ago. Since diagnosis I have been trying to live a life more conducive with my needs as an autistic individual. To many people that sounds like a total crock of shit. It certainly does to me. But it’s the truth . I am autistic, and I have needs that seem weird to people. If these needs aren’t met it has real and sometimes dire consequences to my mental health.

I have to live life. Part of that means I have to go out in public and interact with people to earn a living . More forced social interaction. More talking, judging and threatening . There’s not any violence in my life anymore but the possibility of it seems to linger in my mind, an echo of a memory from long ago.

When I was about 12 years old I began to learn that if I masked my “weird behavior “ I would be more accepted by my peers. It took many years but I fashioned an ever changing and adapting  mask that allowed me to interact with just about anyone. (See my previous post about mirror masking).

This was the wrong way to go. Always hiding who I was lead to a lot of self loathing and the endless problems that come from that.

Being more open with people about the fact that I’m an autist leads to people moving away from me, no more so than at my work.

I get it. What a weird thing it must seem for a man of my years to worry with such a thing as autism after all this time. 

After all this time is exactly the reason I’m dealing with it now. Who knows how much of it I have left. I don’t want to spend that time reflecting others perceived values back to them. I want to spend my time being genuine and true to myself. I want to be open and relate to people and have them relate to me. Perhaps that’s what everyone wants.

In many ways I’m picking up where a scared and confused 6 year old boy left off. I still don’t know what anyone in the world is about to say or do or why they would. I doubt there’s anyone who really can understand that , much less want to try and understand it.

So, away from my loving family out in the world , I will go it alone just as I always have. It feels hurtful when people turn away or doubt but when you don’t look at them you can’t see it.

I’ll keep my head down until I’m with my family where I am anything other than alone, I am home , I am in heaven.