Overwhelm

 I woke up this morning like most any other work day. It’s cold where I live so my arthritis is acting up more than usual so I hadn't had the best nights sleep. Just like most every morning I proceeded to make my breakfast , oatmeal with peanut butter , cinnamon and honey. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I added the oatmeal to the milk before it started boiling. I decided to proceed with cooking the oatmeal even though I had deviated from the typical way I prepare it.

Turned out it wasn’t that good so I didn’t have much of a breakfast. As I was getting dressed for work my wife told me that the heating ststem was not blowing hot air.

As cold as it was outside this was an emergency situation. I investigated the problem. I was able to watch a video that showed how to make the repair and I did so. I was able to remain calm, make an assessment , gather information then enable the repair.

My wife knows me so well. She left me alone and didn’t try to speak to me while this was going on. When left to my own devices and not having to socially interact I do well. When having to consider or relay information to others I can quickly become overwhelmed.

After the repair was made I reinserted myself into my morning schedule. It became apparent to me that I might be late for work so I knew I may have to call my supervisor. From there the overwhelm began. Considering all the possibilities and how I would have to readjust , not knowing what time I would arrive to work . Would there be repercussions , would I have time to make my lunch, should I take the time for my morning meds , what if there was a traffic jam , what if the repair didn’t take.

These were just of few of the endless questions my mind starts considering whenever my schedule has changed or have experienced some unforeseen event . I do much better with masking these thoughts than I have in the past now but hiding it doesn’t blunt the extreme anxiety that these type situations can cause me.

When my mind spends so much effort on all these endless variables it lessens my cognitive ability. I am not able to think clearly.

I’m well experienced enough to know that life is full of these type events but even after almost 53 years how my mind reacts to these events is still the same.

This is not a choice. If I could choose I would always choose to be the guy that can take care of things in a calm manner and get it done. I would never choose to be the guy who panics and can’t get through things.

If I could have the world understand one thing about how autism affects me that would be it, for people to know I don’t choose this.