Connection

 As an autistic individual, because of my differences in communication and processing information , I have lived a life feeling distant from other people. As a result connection is something I crave.

I want to be a part of it all. I want to be accepted. At the same time I don’t want to be overwhelmed by too much social interaction.

I want to be me and be allowed to interact in a manner that is healthy for me.

I’m a people pleaser. I really love it when I have achieved something of note and those around me recognize it. This leads to trouble though. I think most NT’s expect that a persons abilities are uniform and consistent across all disciplines.

I’m sure they wonder how I can achieve some things , some times, at such a high level and other times I struggle to have a conversation. Lord knows I have wondered that. Ofcourse I now know why, I’m autistic . How do you relay that? How do you help people have an understanding of what autism is?

I’ve tried many times to explain this to people and not once have I come away from that conversation feeling like I have given someone the knowledge they need to recognize how autism affects me.

I’m anticipating a need to share that with the new group I work with ,that I am autistic, but I honestly have no clue how to do it . The truth is I’ve grown weary of trying to explain my autism to people. I think this go round I will just tell people I have a medical condition that causes me harm if I’m put into certain situations. This ofcourse is the truth.

 I’m sure that explanation will be met with as much skepticism as me disclosing I am autistic but at least this way I won’t have to go through the very difficult and uncomfortable conversation of explaining I am autistic and how that affects me.

This will likely cause continued isolation and lack of the connection I so desire.

Unmasking is a process that is troublesome to say the least. I use to think that involved having others recognize I’m autistic and changing their views or opinion of me. I’m starting to believe that unmasking has much more to do with me than others. Maybe this should have been obvious from the start.

I have to change how I view myself. I’m still fighting the feeling of deficiency I have been my whole life. This feeling is what lead me to start masking my differences all those years ago. 

It’s ironic but my fear in unmasking is that I will become isolated and not have any connection to the world around me.

This is ironic because I’ve lived a life of isolation and disconnect because of how I mask my differences.