Self awareness

 I don’t always make connections to definitions of words or conditions as they may pertain to me.

I read words and terms like social anxiety , masking , demand avoidance or the big one , Autism. I understand these words and terms but not in a real world sense of how they pertain to me.

My mind is a puzzle or a maze perhaps. Information comes in and I have to route and re route that information until I can reconcile this information with some sort of understanding, that is to say what my perception of the information is.

I see the world differently from most folks because I’m autistic. I am constantly comparing my actions to others because I’m not sure how to react , or how I am expected to react. That seems to be at the heart of my struggles with the world . Acting (masking) like others so that my differences aren’t noticed.

I have capabilities that aren’t associated with autism by most people. When well regulated I can communicate and function at a higher level than alot of NT people. I have a knack for finding solutions to problems that others may not have considered, a way of looking at things from a different or more simple perspective. This is usually because I lack an in depth knowledge of whatever the enigma is because of my struggles with memory and recall ,therefore starting from  a less apparent perspective and work the problem as I go.

I do however have all the hallmarks of autism. The strongest of these hallmarks is anxiety from social interactions. This isn’t recognized by most people. It’s my perception that when this is detected by those unfamiliar with what autism really is it is taken as a weakness, character flaw or worse , something intentionally perpetrated against others.

As long as I can  remember I have fought that perception as to fit in or be the same as others around me. I am not the same  as others around me. I am decidedly different from most people. 

I’ve grown weary of this struggle of trying to be something I am not. I want to find a way of existing without being at odds with what I am , without having the constant angst that trying to fit in causes me.

I don’t know the path forward but I want that path to be free of the negativity that arises from seeking help for something many perceive as slight or non existent. This path would seem to be in opposition of what some of those in the autistic community would advise. Many others  in the autistic community would have me demand my rights as an autistic individual be respected. This only causes the strife that I’ve desperately tried to avoid my entire life.

I don’t want to force myself on them (NT’s) nor do I want them to be forced upon me.

I have no answers right now , just a necessity of how life needs to be for me. 

Perhaps this is an enigma my autistic brain can solve, a fresh perspective  that’s not me against the world but me helping the world know what I am.

Addendum; being self aware doesn’t mean I can stop being autistic. Sometimes it seems knowing what’s going on may be harder than not.