Autistic Am I

 I looked back on my life and all I saw was a vast trail of wreckage and I had to know ……… why? Things were going better in my life than they ever had. I had a loving wife and two children. We were a happy family. I had a good job with benefits including healthcare. At 50 years old I was 20 years removed from the hellish landscape of my youth. I looked back at that life and all I saw was a trail of wreckage and I had to know why. Why did I do all those things that make me cringe now?How could I have made those choices? There were drugs and alcohol, a very familiar story but there was something else. Some need I had to fight every system that I felt had failed me. Screw them is what I always thought. In my youth I was always so confused at the world around me. All the things that people said were right and just were not available to me. My mind could never connect with those things because I did not fit. When “they” would say everyone is welcome , it felt like everyone was welcome b...

 I’ve been thinking about how I experience emotions this morning. It’s my perception that I feel emotions much more intensely than most people. From what I’ve learned about autism and my own life experiences, struggles with emotional regulation is a common trait of autistic people. My emotions can be so joyful , reaching heights of what I assume is bliss , I can also reach extreme depths of despair. I’ve been grateful in my life when I look at a simple thing like a sunrise or hear a beautiful instrumental and be moved to tears of joy. I’ve cursed life when at the bottom of an ocean of despair feeling its crushing weight. Is it better to have felt such joy and fallen to such depths than to never have felt that joy at all? The path in between the two opposites is so long that I can’t see or feel the other end from whichever point I’m at. While on that path I never contemplate either end, then when the trail stops I am lost and consumed by whatever emotional location I’m at. Sometimes...