Punishment

 I’ve been thinking about how I experience emotions this morning.

It’s my perception that I feel emotions much more intensely than most people. From what I’ve learned about autism and my own life experiences, struggles with emotional regulation is a common trait of autistic people.

My emotions can be so joyful , reaching heights of what I assume is bliss , I can also reach extreme depths of despair.

I’ve been grateful in my life when I look at a simple thing like a sunrise or hear a beautiful instrumental and be moved to tears of joy.

I’ve cursed life when at the bottom of an ocean of despair feeling its crushing weight.

Is it better to have felt such joy and fallen to such depths than to never have felt that joy at all?

The path in between the two opposites is so long that I can’t see or feel the other end from whichever point I’m at. While on that path I never contemplate either end, then when the trail stops I am lost and consumed by whatever emotional location I’m at.

Sometimes it feels as if I’m being punished , for what I don’t know 

I want for there to be a reason for this. A reason I must endure these emotions that I lack control over.

Why?