Autistic Am I

 Isolation is perhaps the thing that autism gives me that I struggle with the most.  I’m a bit disregulated right now so I will do my best to describe the feeling of isolation that always accompanies the disregulation .  I’m in a situation that’s causing current and ongoing harm. It’s a harm that no one can see or detect but is very real to me. To much detail to explain but the harm comes from certain social interactions that seem to be ordinary to the rest of the world but so very complex to me, so much so that I put such a great deal of mental energy into following all the possible paths of the situation that it greatly reduces my cognitive abilities. Sounds like horse shit , right? It certainly does to me but the truth of it is as real as any physical thing I can touch. I can’t explain this to anyone other than to simply say I am autistic. I’ve learned that means absolutely nothing to most folks. In this state I feel totally disconnected from the rest of the world. My ...

 I don’t believe in magic like when I was a child. Magic could fix anything when I was a child. There was this mysterious force that only the likes of shaman , the Dali lama ,Santa Claus and the Easter bunny could wield . It could make everything ok. It could make my parents not fight , it could make the lights come back on when they were cut off for lack of payment , it could make food appear in the pantry and if I was lucky enough it could fix me too. Ofcourse these were the observations of a child. Soon enough I learned that there was no such thing as magic. With that realization the hope that everything would just somehow be ok went away. I taught my children all these same fairy tales too. An odd thing when you think about it. Giving children all these fanciful stories knowing that one day they too will know are not real. Last night I was watching a game show with my wife and daughter (21) and I suggested that the game was rigged. My daughter told me that I take the magic out ...

 Therapy time, for me that is. I’m always hopeful that someday my posts here might reach someone and help them make sense of things in their life. Hurt, thats a word that has different functions . A noun to describe my feelings and a verb to show the action of my feelings. I feel hurt (the noun) from long ago as if it was yesterday. If a hurt cuts too deep and I can’t make sense of it I will put it away. That type hurt always comes back to me. Each time I feel it as if it just happened. It will sting, burn and  break something inside me and quickly becomes something I can’t look at anymore, it’s just too overwhelming. I write about things to help me sort them. When writing I have the time to think about a thing and describe what I feel about it in detail. This process seems to help me look at and reconcile things from my past that I’ve never been able to put away for good. I don’t write seeking pity , my stories can be hard to believe. I understand because sometimes it’s hard ...