Isolation

 Isolation is perhaps the thing that autism gives me that I struggle with the most. 

I’m a bit disregulated right now so I will do my best to describe the feeling of isolation that always accompanies the disregulation . 

I’m in a situation that’s causing current and ongoing harm. It’s a harm that no one can see or detect but is very real to me.

To much detail to explain but the harm comes from certain social interactions that seem to be ordinary to the rest of the world but so very complex to me, so much so that I put such a great deal of mental energy into following all the possible paths of the situation that it greatly reduces my cognitive abilities.

Sounds like horse shit , right? It certainly does to me but the truth of it is as real as any physical thing I can touch.

I can’t explain this to anyone other than to simply say I am autistic. I’ve learned that means absolutely nothing to most folks.

In this state I feel totally disconnected from the rest of the world. My typical observations of my environment are blocked , I am much less than I am capable of in these times.

My autism isn’t static. It varies . When I’m healthy I’m better than most, when I’m unhealthy there isn’t anyone that I am equal to, I am less than everyone.

I’m trying to describe a thing during a time of lessened cognitive ability , I can only , simply , express that it hurts.

It disconnects me from the world and the people around me.

Without the reassurance that a child might need from my loved ones I feel isolated from them too.

I’m in my own singularity right now. I try to reach out but the gravity of my current state pulls all my efforts at connection back to myself .

My wonderful mind that can allow me to navigate the world around me and see things others can’t only sees  distress during these times of isolation.

The pathways and connections of the beautiful world that I usually see are not apparent to me.

I’m alone.