A bit much

 Autism isn’t always this horrible thing for me. In fact most of the time I love being exactly how I am. There are the times that can feel horrible in the moment but more often than not things can just feel like they are a bit much.

Today my son and I are at our local neurodivergent hang out , aka, local gamer store (we’re nerds) . There is a Pokemon tournament today with a large prize so there are ALOT more people here than normal.

Saving the explanation of how that affects me I will just say the situation can cause me to have less availability of my cognitive function. So I have to be careful and weigh any reactions or interactions before communicating with someone.

The last two nights were spent on concrete bleachers at a football game and a marching band competition. My son plays trumpet in the band.

I am so proud of how much he enjoys playing in the band and it gives me great joy to see him having fun and participating.

Because I am autistic large crowds in close quarters can be very hard for me to participate in because of my social anxiety. Throw in the pain from arthritis and sitting on hard surfaces for hours and the struggle feels like it’s doubled what it was in my younger days.

I will gladly go through this for the next four years or more if it means I get to see my boy being as happy as he was the last two nights.

Today I’m feeling the angst that two nights in a row of heightened social interaction in very close quarters causes me. I usually participate in the tournaments here at this store. The competition can be quite exciting. 

Today it all stings a little. Im not participating in the tournament.I’m here to be my boys father today and make sure what affects me does not affect him so he can do something he enjoys.

As for me,

Today it’s all bit much.