Twice exceptional

 For as long as I can remember I’ve looked for a reason for the way I am or a description that would provide me with that answer. 

I found a description when diagnosed as autistic. Autism accurately described so many things about myself but there were still questions or things about my behavior that didn’t seem to fit.

I believe that is because like the majority of people I was ignorant about what autism is. I am intelligent, that fact alone seemed , to my mind, a contradiction to my diagnosis.

I’ve since learned that autism plays no part in a persons intelligence.

My “symptoms” such as social anxiety aren’t even, they come in peaks and valleys. That seemed contrary to my diagnosis as well.

I’ve also learned that how well I can cope with being autistic greatly depends on my state of mind at any given moment. When well regulated I can seem as neurotypical as anyone because of my high masking abilities. If recent events have already affected me it’s like a snowball affect on my cognitive ability to hide my autistic behavior. I can do one thing at a time very well but I can’t go over every possible scenario I can think of as to why a negative event has happened , anticipate perceived upcoming events that may be negative and keep my mask up. It’s just too much but at the same time I have to consider everything I can perceive . That’s just how my mind works

These things combined with countless other “discrepancies” have made it hard for me to fully reconcile all my struggles with autism, or being autistic. 

I’ve come across a term recently that seems to be a better fit for me, that is to say I believe it describes my personal struggles with a more complete explanation than autism alone.

The term is “twice exceptional” . It describes a person as being intellectually gifted while also having a learning disorder. In my case that disorder is autism.

I am a twice exceptional autistic adult. This explains much to me.I have all the hall mark behaviors of autism , I also have an above average intelligence. I have excellent problem solving abilities but whenever there is another human being involved those abilities are diminished because of all the considerations my mind must have concerning the coordination of another persons thoughts or emotions with any of my actions or theories. 

I have no savant abilities nor do I have any delusions of genius.I do have an above average intelligence. This has always been apparent to those around me. The opposite must be thought of by others as well when I become overwhelmed , or stuck, by having to consider another’s thoughts or ideas and can’t move forward.

I am a quick study. When I have another person to observe when dealing with a subject I have little knowledge about I can learn very quickly from that observation.

When alone and trying to figure something out ,if I have to consider what another’s thoughts or actions may be, I can be crippled by that.

If there doesn’t need to be any consideration of what another’s opinion of what I’ve done may be I can enable repairs or figure  things out very quickly. This makes it difficult for me to coordinate with others. I’d rather do a thing myself and have anyone observing not speak.

I struggle with reading comprehension but I have an extended vocabulary and at times can converse at a very high level , yet another contradiction. On occasions that I am not well regulated I can’t recall simple words or person’s names I’ve known for years. I will stutter when in that state.

I have all these high abilities that people can see. I have deficiencies that aren’t as detectable.

This contradiction, in my perception, is seen by others as a character flaw. Perhaps people think I’m being lazy or just don’t care.

Knowing the “why” of anything I see is important to me. None so much as knowing the “why” of myself.

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to figure out me. When I remove all the considerations of others from that enigma the answer is a very simple thing, I’m just me. When trying to present an answer to others as to why I am how I am it’s a very difficult thing. I just can’t relay or relate.

I can’t relay what it’s like to be autistic to someone who is not and I can’t relate to the neurotypical thought process.