Perception of choice

 One of the things I find myself struggling the most with when trying to have someone understand the way autism affects me is that it’s not a choice.

Because I am autistic I struggle with anxiety when dealing with people, no more so than when having to interact with my siblings. Our mother passed earlier this year and there are estate matters that I have to communicate with them on. Each time this happens my anxiety is heightened. My wife tells me I should “just not let it get to me”. I have no problem with doing the right thing when dealing with the estate . I’m not avoiding the matter. 

If I could make a choice in my mind to not ever suffer from anxiety again I would make that choice. I know that my anxiety can be irrational.

I can absolutely hide (mask) my emotions. I’ve told myself  many times in my life when faced with situations that cause anxiety, this is it, it’s going to be different this time, you can do this, and I will for a time. 

Turning a blind eye to my anxiety doesn’t make it go away. It always returns, usually in the form of an autistic meltdown after I have pretended that I am ok for period of time. All the while dealing with the anxiety internally until it builds to a point that it’s just too much.

This has been the cycle of my life. I will sludge through all the seemingly necessary social interaction as best I can , then something inside me breaks (this is a negative term but it’s the best way I know how to describe it). I will move forward with a lot of shame from having “failed” again at being a part of the world around me.

I will go to a new place. Achieve high accomplishments and receive kudos from the new group of people that I am then around. I will set unrealistic goals for myself and keep up a pace that I can’t sustain until the cycle comes to completion and I start anew ,again.

I know all this, have for a while but still the cycle continues.

I’m looking for help ,in sort of a new direction. I’m trying to find a psychiatrist that can prescribe anti anxiety meds. My GP has prescribed several different anti anxiety meds but none have seemed to give me anything but a slight ability to steer when overwhelmed. All of these meds have been on the “lighter” side of the anti anxiety meds I’ve heard of. Typical given for smoking cessation and similar struggles.This has been my GP’s intention as he is not a mental health professional. I agree and appreciate him not overstepping his qualifications.

My psychologist does not prescribe medicine but has encouraged me to find a prescribing psychiatrist.

Hopefully I will find that “magic pill” that takes my anxiety away and still lets me be me.

Even with the medical professionals I have seen concerning my autism and resulting anxiety I still feel a sense of the perception that it’s a choice that I make.

I believe this is due to my high masking abilities. I think people relate my struggles with anxiety and how to handle it to their own struggles.

Perhaps they can tell themselves , ok , this is it, you’ve got this and their anxiety will improve. This is not how it works for me.

I am autistic, how I am is not a choice , it’s just who I am. I would ask you this. Can you stop being you? Everyone knows how to put on for show and be polite but can you change how things make you feel at that inner most level? 

I can’t , tried for 53 years now and it’s still the same feeling as when I was a young boy.