Autistic Am I

 I’m at a familiar place mentally. I’m experiencing burnout and I fear meltdown isn’t far away. I will fight that as hard as I can. It seems the older I get the more damaging meltdown can be. I’m dealing with a lot of social interaction at work combined with a lot of contradiction . A “these are the rules” but they’re not really the rules ,kind of thing. I recognize where I’m at and what may be coming from long experience yet I still feel helpless to do anything about it. I probably could go to HR and ask for help but doing that will mark me as someone who can’t get along. It will also put a target on my back. Any mistake I may make at work would be exploited . I have this thing in me, that’s what it feels like. It’s autism. It positions itself between me and the world. Distorting everything in the same way a kaleidoscope does. My perceptions don’t seem to match what the rest of the world sees. I’m experienced enough to recognize what’s happening , but still unable to change it. No...

 I started this blog shortly after being diagnosed as Autistic. That was a very strange time for me. I felt as if I’d finally figured out why I was so different from most otheres. It felt profound. I wanted to tell the world about it. Looking back , I would have done things differently. The way I feel right now is that diagnosis wasn’t something for me to shout to the world, “I knew it, I knew along I was different.” It was for me more than anyone else. I had a grand idea that I would share with the world all my struggles and maybe someone could benefit from my experience. I still think that is a grand idea but I’ve come to understand the blog is more of a benefit to me than it ever could be to anyone else. I come here and work things out that I struggle with. I write , I read and I rewrite ,until I feel I can understand or at the very least reconcile all these stories of my life that are hard for me to deal with. To that end I offer the following story. It will probably read more ...

 Been busy with a writing project lately but I wanted to make sure I don’t neglect my commitment to this blog. The following is a small piece I wrote in 2023                     The view         He stands on the balcony of his 3rd floor condo with the wind from the gulf    blowing on his face as he looks down longingly at the tourists mingling and having such a wonderful time.        He is a level 3 autist. In need of substantial assistance in his daily life. His diagnosis seems contrary to his ability to perform or interact with others. That’s because his intelligence allows him to mask his autism so well people don’t know his struggle is so great.        He is older and has had many negative experiences in his life because of his autism. He has only recently been diagnosed. The new diagnosis was an awakening of sorts, revealing to him the confusion he has always...