Autistic Am I

 I’m at a familiar place mentally. I’m experiencing burnout and I fear meltdown isn’t far away. I will fight that as hard as I can. It seems the older I get the more damaging meltdown can be. I’m dealing with a lot of social interaction at work combined with a lot of contradiction . A “these are the rules” but they’re not really the rules ,kind of thing. I recognize where I’m at and what may be coming from long experience yet I still feel helpless to do anything about it. I probably could go to HR and ask for help but doing that will mark me as someone who can’t get along. It will also put a target on my back. Any mistake I may make at work would be exploited . I have this thing in me, that’s what it feels like. It’s autism. It positions itself between me and the world. Distorting everything in the same way a kaleidoscope does. My perceptions don’t seem to match what the rest of the world sees. I’m experienced enough to recognize what’s happening , but still unable to change it. No...

 I started this blog shortly after being diagnosed as Autistic. That was a very strange time for me. I felt as if I’d finally figured out why I was so different from most otheres. It felt profound. I wanted to tell the world about it. Looking back , I would have done things differently. The way I feel right now is that diagnosis wasn’t something for me to shout to the world, “I knew it, I knew along I was different.” It was for me more than anyone else. I had a grand idea that I would share with the world all my struggles and maybe someone could benefit from my experience. I still think that is a grand idea but I’ve come to understand the blog is more of a benefit to me than it ever could be to anyone else. I come here and work things out that I struggle with. I write , I read and I rewrite ,until I feel I can understand or at the very least reconcile all these stories of my life that are hard for me to deal with. To that end I offer the following story. It will probably read more ...