Ultra Violet Autism

 I’m at a familiar place mentally. I’m experiencing burnout and I fear meltdown isn’t far away. I will fight that as hard as I can. It seems the older I get the more damaging meltdown can be.

I’m dealing with a lot of social interaction at work combined with a lot of contradiction . A “these are the rules” but they’re not really the rules ,kind of thing.

I recognize where I’m at and what may be coming from long experience yet I still feel helpless to do anything about it.

I probably could go to HR and ask for help but doing that will mark me as someone who can’t get along. It will also put a target on my back. Any mistake I may make at work would be exploited .

I have this thing in me, that’s what it feels like. It’s autism. It positions itself between me and the world. Distorting everything in the same way a kaleidoscope does.

My perceptions don’t seem to match what the rest of the world sees.

I’m experienced enough to recognize what’s happening , but still unable to change it.

No one can see what I am , I’m not what you see on TV when they talk about autism. If there is a spectrum then I’m on the end that is invisible, ultra violet autism.

I can fake it, until I can’t. Then everyone judges me. 

I’m not pitiful nor do I want any pitty. I’d just like to exist outside this cycle that has recurred throughout my life.

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