Autistic Am I

I’ve written for as long as I can remember. It’s always helped me  communicate with others and myself .I’ve come to believe it’s a form of scripting, writing what I might say to someone about any given subject. It also helps me sort and understand my emotions. I think I’m much better at writing what I think others want to hear than I am at expressing what I want to say. I’d like to accurately express to others what I am , or rather what it’s like to be me. Admittedly I don’t know how others think so the way I am ,inside my head, may be exactly what others are but it doesn’t feel that way to me. I feel separate, as if I’m something different from those around me. There’s been a great shift in my reality this year, apart from the total knee replacement I had in the spring. My mother passed ,it’s been difficult for me to deal with. I struggle with emotional regulation. As a result of that struggle I’ve learned to assign emotions that I may not feel in place of the ones I don’t recogni...

 I struggle with most all types of reciprocal communication, especially live conversation. If given the opportunity I am comfortable with communicating via email or text but this means that there can be no innuendo or other attempts at manipulating a conversation with improper suggestions by the person I am communicating with. In other words , the person I may be communicating with can be held accountable for what they write in an email or text. This also removes a persons ability to use tone of voice or body language to express negative emotions they may other wise try to inflict on me. I work for a very large organization. Manipulation through threat has been a popular form of communication and or motivation by most of my superiors here.  Typically done in ways or language that can’t be accounted for. My employer touts they are inclusive to all people regardless of race , religion , gender or disability , and have shown this to be true through accommodations they have given ...

 One of the things I find myself struggling the most with when trying to have someone understand the way autism affects me is that it’s not a choice. Because I am autistic I struggle with  anxiety when dealing with people, no more so than when having to interact with my siblings. Our mother passed earlier this year and there are estate matters that I have to communicate with them on. Each time this happens my anxiety is heightened. My wife tells me I should “just not let it get to me”. I have no problem with doing the right thing when dealing with the estate . I’m not avoiding the matter.  If I could make a choice in my mind to not ever suffer from anxiety again I would make that choice. I know that my anxiety can be irrational. I can absolutely hide (mask) my emotions . I’ve told myself  many times in my life when faced with situations that cause anxiety, this is it, it’s going to be different this time, you can do this, and I will for a time.  Turning a bli...

 A friend in an online peer group that I participate in posed an interesting question this morning. The question was asking anyone in the group if they watched TV with subtitles. I found this amusing because it’s a frequent topic of discussion at my house. My daughter watches with subtitles and I don’t care to. I’m such a slow reader that if I take the time to read the subtitles I miss the content of the show and for whatever reason if the subtitles are on I can’t not read them. My wife and I recently started watching a new episodic show on a popular streaming service. In the opening scene a murder was committed. The music that was playing in the background was light hearted . I told my wife they were playing the wrong music. Later in the episode a husband was sleeping with a woman that was not his wife. His wife was aware but despite the fact of her husbands infidelity she was still very loving to him. The consequences didn’t match the action. As in life , I watch peoples reaction...