Autistic Am I

 Most everything I’ve read on the subject suggests anxiety isn’t part of what autism is but rather a byproduct of autism and its functions. The literature suggests that not being able to read social cues or understand the reasoning behind what people say or do leads to uncertainty of an autistic individual’s surroundings. Thus causing anxiety when the autist tries ,but fails to anticipate unfolding events. I agree with the previous assessment of what causes anxiety for me as an autistic individual. I cannot see how this anxiety can be separated from autism itself as it is a direct result of autism. I am in an almost constant state of anxiety. The state of my anxiety varies but it always exists. As the literature suggested I am unable to read social cues or recognize and understand people’s intentions. Trauma of past events has lead me to always be on guard and attempt to be prepared for the worst case scenario of the situations I encounter in life. Having a perceived preparedness f...

 Autistic meltdowns, where do I start? I’ve attempted descriptions of autistic meltdowns in the past but I don’t feel that I have ever accurately described them. I will give it another try. I will see if I can 1st describe what my perception is that a meltdown looks like from an allistic or neurotypical point of view. Please bare in mind that this is my perception. When agitated by overstimulation of seemingly minor events or stimuli I will choose to shut down all but my basic cognitive function and remit to a state of childlike behavior.  I will only communicate with the most brief exchange of words. I will not share what it is that has put me into such an agitated state. In the presence of close family or friends I  may give a child like display of anger and other negative emotions, exhibiting selfishness and the lack of consideration of how my behavior is affecting others. Ultimately I will seperate myself from everyone only to return once I have calmed down. At this t...

 One autistic trait that has been a constant for me throughout my life has been the struggle to regulate my emotions.  It’s very difficult to describe this. As with all sensory issues , I feel emotions at an extreme level. When I feel joy it is euphoria . Love, it’s a wonderfully fulfilling feeling for me. Sadness , well that becomes a Greek tragedy in short order. Anger, it takes me to an inner defcon 1  where it feels like pure hatred towards the situation or person/persons I feel responsible for what ever has made me angry. When I was young , early teen years and before, when experiencing emotions in the extreme I would feel compelled to act on them. Acting on the feelings of love and joy would just be to allow the feelings to manifest themselves and enjoy the ride. Acting on feelings of sadness would leave me in a state of contemplating all of the sorrows I percieved in the world around me as if they were my own. I would feel doom and gloom for days. Anger, well that’...

The following is a post from a group chat of neurodiverse people I participate in. One of the members posted a question concerning masking.For whatever reason when my attempts of explaining myself are reactionary I seem to explain myself more accurately than when the attempt is made proactively.   Masking for me has become a part of who I am. When I was younger , well before diagnosis, I was aware that I was altering my persona to meet what I percieved to be the needs of any person I was interacting with. That is to say what ever I percieved they needed to accept me. I learned to mask at around age 11. Prior to that all my autistic traits would prevent me from having  meaningful relationships with any of my peers.  I realized I had to hide who I really was in order to be accepted by others . I mask still to this day. I will try and recognize a persons values and reflect those values back to them . I don’t see myself as disingenuous because masking has become who I am...