Autistic Am I

 I don’t always make connections to definitions of words or conditions as they may pertain to me. I read words and terms like social anxiety , masking , demand avoidance or the big one , Autism. I understand these words and terms but not in a real world sense of how they pertain to me. My mind is a puzzle or a maze perhaps. Information comes in and I have to route and re route that information until I can reconcile this information with some sort of understanding, that is to say what my perception of the information is. I see the world differently from most folks because I’m autistic. I am constantly comparing my actions to others because I’m not sure how to react , or how I am expected to react. That seems to be at the heart of my struggles with the world . Acting (masking) like others so that my differences aren’t noticed. I have capabilities that aren’t associated with autism by most people. When well regulated I can communicate and function at a higher level than alot of NT peo...

 When researching autism I discovered a term called “co occurring”. There were co occurring conditions I was discovering that were being described as having occurred with autism at a higher rate than the general public. There were mental health conditions that were being called co occurring as well as many different physical conditions. Ofcourse this simply means that these conditions also happen to people who are autistic. The general population surely also have co occurring conditions but I’ve read of particular conditions that seem to co occur with autism more frequently. I read about GI conditions , anxiety disorders and a few others that I believe I have or have had. I’m not a doctor or any type of researcher. I cannot judge my experiences against others because of the isolation that autism causes me. I can, however , relay the co occurring conditions that I have that may be (in my opinion ) related to me being autistic. So I will start there. Arthritis. Arthritis is obviously...

 There are many terms I’ve learned that relate to autism in my journey to self awareness as an autistic individual. Masking, social interaction, stimming etc. I’ve read many things about these terms and think I have a good understanding about their definitions. As with all things , my understanding of the world around me doesn’t always make a connection in my mind as to how it may pertain to me. The definition of a thing may be easily remembered but recognizing that condition in myself isn’t always as easy. As an autistic individual I can struggle with social interaction. When I 1st looked at that term I thought about how I might socially interact with someone away from work in a “casual”situation.  I’ve learned that social interaction is actually every interaction with a person or persons. This definition may seem very clear to others but my autistic mind tried to think of how this term pertains to other people , not myself. I’ve used a term of my own for many years now I ref...

 As an autistic individual, because of my differences in communication and processing information , I have lived a life feeling distant from other people. As a result connection is something I crave. I want to be a part of it all. I want to be accepted. At the same time I don’t want to be overwhelmed by too much social interaction. I want to be me and be allowed to interact in a manner that is healthy for me. I’m a people pleaser. I really love it when I have achieved something of note and those around me recognize it. This leads to trouble though. I think most NT’s expect that a persons abilities are uniform and consistent across all disciplines. I’m sure they wonder how I can achieve some things , some times, at such a high level and other times I struggle to have a conversation. Lord knows I have wondered that. Ofcourse I now know why, I’m autistic . How do you relay that? How do you help people have an understanding of what autism is? I’ve tried many times to explain this to pe...

 I will try and be small today So small they don’t notice me Notice my fright, notice all the things I hide from sight I will breath so shallow and my steps will be so light. I will slump through this day and pray for the night. Hide behind whatever thing i can find Hide behind a face that is not mine. Show the world anything but me For all they see is a thing that should not be.

 The following post is representing my experience with medications . I am not a doctor and I am not making any recommendations for anyone concerning medications. As I understand it, there isn’t a medication available to help or change how autism affects a person. There are however many drugs that I have learned about that help with some of the things autism causes. Anxiety is a good example of a condition that autism causes me. I have tried several different medications for my anxiety , all through talking with my general practitioner and having him prescribe them to me. They have all been what I would describe as “mild” anti anxiety medications. One in particular , I’ve read, is often prescribed for  people that are attempting to stop smoking. This one had little to no affects that I could recognize as beneficial . The second and third medications I tried to help with my anxiety seemed to be much the same, that is to say I still had heightened anxiety while taking the drugs. ...