Autistic Am I

 Autism isn’t always this horrible thing for me. In fact most of the time I love being exactly how I am. There are the times that can feel horrible in the moment but more often than not things can just feel like they are a bit much. Today my son and I are at our local neurodivergent hang out , aka, local gamer store (we’re nerds) . There is a Pokemon tournament today with a large prize so there are ALOT more people here than normal. Saving the explanation of how that affects me I will just say the situation can cause me to have less availability of my cognitive function. So I have to be careful and weigh any reactions or interactions before communicating with someone. The last two nights were spent on concrete bleachers at a football game and a marching band competition. My son plays trumpet in the band. I am so proud of how much he enjoys playing in the band and it gives me great joy to see him having fun and participating. Because I am autistic large crowds in close quarters can ...

 I don’t want to be angry about people not being aware of how autism really is anymore. I was angry , after diagnosis. If it could have been known that I was autistic when I was a boy my life may have turned out very differently. The thought that help could have been had but wasn’t was upsetting to me. I don’t want to be upset about that anymore. It feels like the more I am angry or rant about how the system isn’t built for autists the worse I feel about myself. I want to be okay with being myself. I want to not really care when someone looks at me like I’m an idoit. I want for people to not occupy as much space in my head as they do now. It is my head after all. Shouldn’t I be able to invite whoever I want in there?   Starting  to see the lesson in that. The value of not letting what others think of me matter. Perhaps it was me that wasn’t ok with autists. Maybe self loathing , but I don’t want to be hard on myself either. I want a space where I can exist being my true s...

 For as long as I can remember I’ve looked for a reason for the way I am or a description that would provide me with that answer.  I found a description when diagnosed as autistic. Autism accurately described so many things about myself but there were still questions or things about my behavior that didn’t seem to fit. I believe that is because like the majority of people I was ignorant about what autism is. I am intelligent, that fact alone seemed , to my mind, a contradiction to my diagnosis. I’ve since learned that autism plays no part in a persons intelligence. My “symptoms” such as social anxiety aren’t even, they come in peaks and valleys. That seemed contrary to my diagnosis as well. I’ve also learned that how well I can cope with being autistic greatly depends on my state of mind at any given moment. When well regulated I can seem as neurotypical as anyone because of my high masking abilities. If recent events have already affected me it’s like a snowball affect on my ...