Autistic Am I

 Social structures of groups are very weird to me. I guess it’s the sort of thing that’s been going on for millennia . Who’s on top? Whos next in line ? Who’s ok? Who’s not?Who’s allowed in? Who isn’t? And for each of those questions there’s also the question of why? I had a high ranking member of the social structure of my work group share a personal story about his past with several members of the group and myself today. It was a story about his divorce from his 1st wife. The ordeal sounded terribly hurtful to me but he was making it all sound very amusing. After he had finished his story I felt the need to reciprocate with an anecdote about my divorce from my 1st wife. It’s wasn’t a funny story nor did I tell it that way. I’m pretty sure it was an awkward subject that wasn’t appropriate for work. Ofcourse I only realized this in hindsight. It seemed to me the individual was trying to reach out and be a friend and that I should do the same by sharing something personal from my ba...

 I am beginning to recognize that I am not always aware when I am unregulated and should take care to not participate in activities that may overwhelm me. I think this is because I want to be something that I may just not be. I want to be able to handle any situation with grace and poise. I don’t want to become so overwhelmed with anxiety that I cannot function. I want to be someone whom others can point to as an example of how to do things the right way. I can’t and I’m not . I can absolutely hide the feelings of anxiety from others but it still exists. That’s not to say I can’t excel . I have a lot to offer society but poise , grace or patience isn’t something that I can offer. I have an ability to figure out a problem in front of me. This typically isn’t done with any workable knowledge of the problem or more than a basic understanding of physics ( the natural world and the laws that govern objects interacting). This is a sort of reverse engineering of whatever problem may be in...

 I woke up this morning like most any other work day. It’s cold where I live so my arthritis is acting up more than usual so I hadn't had the best nights sleep. Just like most every morning I proceeded to make my breakfast , oatmeal with peanut butter , cinnamon and honey. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I added the oatmeal to the milk before it started boiling. I decided to proceed with cooking the oatmeal even though I had deviated from the typical way I prepare it. Turned out it wasn’t that good so I didn’t have much of a breakfast. As I was getting dressed for work my wife told me that the heating ststem was not blowing hot air. As cold as it was outside this was an emergency situation. I investigated the problem. I was able to watch a video that showed how to make the repair and I did so. I was able to remain calm, make an assessment , gather information then enable the repair. My wife knows me so well. She left me alone and didn’t try to speak to me while this was going on. Whe...

 When I started public school at the age of 6 , like many of us, it was the 1st time I interacted with anyone from outside my home other than family members. The shock of having all of the social interaction forced on me would lead me to skip school very often. At the age of 6 , in the 1st grade , I would often leave school after being dropped off in the morning before school started. Some times I would leave during the day. I would turn a corner where no one could see then I would make a break for it. I’ve learned the term for this is eloping. I would explore the woods or wander the streets of our suburban neighborhood by myself. Knowing that there would be consequences, namely my father’s belt, for the act of truancy. The feeling of being out from under the crushing and  oppressive weight of forced social interaction was more than enough reward and far greater a feeling than the fear of any discipline my father could dish out. All of the talking , judging , threatening and v...

 I’m not sure how to begin this post. I’m struggling with the possibility of being put into a situation at work that I don’t think I can handle and will end badly for me. I was recently allowed to transfer to a position at work without oncall responsibilities. This has been helpful. In my previous position being oncall caused me alot of problems with my health , physical and mental. Whenever I was oncall , if called in, I would be put into a position of working on machines I only had a basic knowledge of. I had assistance available via phone but because of my autism I struggle greatly to understand verbal instructions. In my life this has been a constant . Whenever I haven’t been able to understand a persons verbal instructions after multiple attempts the person usually becomes upset with me as if I’m choosing to not understand. In an attempt to avoid someone inflicting their anger on me I will mask my “symptoms” and allow the person to think I understand. There is a building that ...