Autistic Am I

 I’ve always made up stories in my mind. I enjoy creating fictional worlds and characters. I’ve started to write a long fictional story that’s been in my mind for about 5 years now. I’ve attempted to write such stories in the past but have never gotten very far. I think it’s because I’ve never read a book so things like pacing and the readers perspective dont come easy to me. There’s also things like grammar and punctuation that I struggle with. I’ve recently starting using an online AI to help me, not with content but learning the mechanics of book writing. I’ve decide to chronicle this process. The following is an exchange I’ve had with the AI about my book   I recently shared a few pages of my story’s opening with a friend . The friend didn’t seem interested enough to continue reading. This was pointed out to me by AI as well. You see I was thinking as a storyteller, not a reader , I’ve never read a book because of my struggle to understand another’s mind or point of view. ...

 I am not the person people see. Every word I share with people is not scripted but the feeling or the emotion behind those words are. I want to show people a good version of me. One they will approve of or even like. Whenever it’s my perception someone doesn’t think well of me I try to change their mind. How nice it must be to actually not care what people think of you. What’s that even like? Presenting an agreeable person has been a goal of mine since I was in 6th grade. Long time ago but the intent was very , well , intentional . The previous year I had  been invited to attend a school for advanced or gifted children because of how well I always scored on the standardized tests. Full disclosure , in the second grade I was put in the trailer outside the school with the kids that rode the short bus because of my poor reading comprehension. The year spent at the advanced school was one of the worst of my childhood. Most of the other children were advanced in social aspects as ...

Change has always been difficult for me. Nothing more so than abrupt change. When a thing changes suddenly it’s like I’m not really sure what to do. There will be a time of cognitive struggle with anger ,then after some time has passed, adjustment. I say that as if it’s no big deal but ,in the moment, it can feel catastrophic to me. Perhaps my schedule at work changes or the area that I am assigned to cover. My reaction to change is not always a rational thing. Once my employer changed the Wednesday menu at the cafeteria and looking back it felt so horrible to me at the time. I wrote an essay on the company website about the comforts of employees having the food that they enjoyed and have come to expect. In all actuality I was the only one so torn up about not being able to have fried chicken wings , turnip greens , sweet potatoe casserole and dressing every Wednesday for lunch. These few things I’ve described seem different to me than the most profound change I’ve ever felt. This is t...

 When I have interactions with other humans or when I’m scripting possible future interactions, when I think ,I use words. I will hear the words in my mind as if I’m speaking them. When thinking of things in the natural world that don’t include other humans all my thoughts are images. I’ve read this is a typical way of thinking for autistic people.  I much prefer the images. This quiets everything for me inside my head. Alternatives or possibilities are much easier and faster to work through without being hindered by language . Here’s the thing with that though. I may understand a thing in detail but not be able to share it with others because of my inability to translate my thoughts to language with accuracy.

I’ve written for as long as I can remember. It’s always helped me  communicate with others and myself .I’ve come to believe it’s a form of scripting, writing what I might say to someone about any given subject. It also helps me sort and understand my emotions. I think I’m much better at writing what I think others want to hear than I am at expressing what I want to say. I’d like to accurately express to others what I am , or rather what it’s like to be me. Admittedly I don’t know how others think so the way I am ,inside my head, may be exactly what others are but it doesn’t feel that way to me. I feel separate, as if I’m something different from those around me. There’s been a great shift in my reality this year, apart from the total knee replacement I had in the spring. My mother passed ,it’s been difficult for me to deal with. I struggle with emotional regulation. As a result of that struggle I’ve learned to assign emotions that I may not feel in place of the ones I don’t recogni...

 I struggle with most all types of reciprocal communication, especially live conversation. If given the opportunity I am comfortable with communicating via email or text but this means that there can be no innuendo or other attempts at manipulating a conversation with improper suggestions by the person I am communicating with. In other words , the person I may be communicating with can be held accountable for what they write in an email or text. This also removes a persons ability to use tone of voice or body language to express negative emotions they may other wise try to inflict on me. I work for a very large organization. Manipulation through threat has been a popular form of communication and or motivation by most of my superiors here.  Typically done in ways or language that can’t be accounted for. My employer touts they are inclusive to all people regardless of race , religion , gender or disability , and have shown this to be true through accommodations they have given ...

 One of the things I find myself struggling the most with when trying to have someone understand the way autism affects me is that it’s not a choice. Because I am autistic I struggle with  anxiety when dealing with people, no more so than when having to interact with my siblings. Our mother passed earlier this year and there are estate matters that I have to communicate with them on. Each time this happens my anxiety is heightened. My wife tells me I should “just not let it get to me”. I have no problem with doing the right thing when dealing with the estate . I’m not avoiding the matter.  If I could make a choice in my mind to not ever suffer from anxiety again I would make that choice. I know that my anxiety can be irrational. I can absolutely hide (mask) my emotions . I’ve told myself  many times in my life when faced with situations that cause anxiety, this is it, it’s going to be different this time, you can do this, and I will for a time.  Turning a bli...

 A friend in an online peer group that I participate in posed an interesting question this morning. The question was asking anyone in the group if they watched TV with subtitles. I found this amusing because it’s a frequent topic of discussion at my house. My daughter watches with subtitles and I don’t care to. I’m such a slow reader that if I take the time to read the subtitles I miss the content of the show and for whatever reason if the subtitles are on I can’t not read them. My wife and I recently started watching a new episodic show on a popular streaming service. In the opening scene a murder was committed. The music that was playing in the background was light hearted . I told my wife they were playing the wrong music. Later in the episode a husband was sleeping with a woman that was not his wife. His wife was aware but despite the fact of her husbands infidelity she was still very loving to him. The consequences didn’t match the action. As in life , I watch peoples reaction...

 Autism isn’t always this horrible thing for me. In fact most of the time I love being exactly how I am. There are the times that can feel horrible in the moment but more often than not things can just feel like they are a bit much. Today my son and I are at our local neurodivergent hang out , aka, local gamer store (we’re nerds) . There is a Pokemon tournament today with a large prize so there are ALOT more people here than normal. Saving the explanation of how that affects me I will just say the situation can cause me to have less availability of my cognitive function. So I have to be careful and weigh any reactions or interactions before communicating with someone. The last two nights were spent on concrete bleachers at a football game and a marching band competition. My son plays trumpet in the band. I am so proud of how much he enjoys playing in the band and it gives me great joy to see him having fun and participating. Because I am autistic large crowds in close quarters can ...

 I don’t want to be angry about people not being aware of how autism really is anymore. I was angry , after diagnosis. If it could have been known that I was autistic when I was a boy my life may have turned out very differently. The thought that help could have been had but wasn’t was upsetting to me. I don’t want to be upset about that anymore. It feels like the more I am angry or rant about how the system isn’t built for autists the worse I feel about myself. I want to be okay with being myself. I want to not really care when someone looks at me like I’m an idoit. I want for people to not occupy as much space in my head as they do now. It is my head after all. Shouldn’t I be able to invite whoever I want in there?   Starting  to see the lesson in that. The value of not letting what others think of me matter. Perhaps it was me that wasn’t ok with autists. Maybe self loathing , but I don’t want to be hard on myself either. I want a space where I can exist being my true s...

 For as long as I can remember I’ve looked for a reason for the way I am or a description that would provide me with that answer.  I found a description when diagnosed as autistic. Autism accurately described so many things about myself but there were still questions or things about my behavior that didn’t seem to fit. I believe that is because like the majority of people I was ignorant about what autism is. I am intelligent, that fact alone seemed , to my mind, a contradiction to my diagnosis. I’ve since learned that autism plays no part in a persons intelligence. My “symptoms” such as social anxiety aren’t even, they come in peaks and valleys. That seemed contrary to my diagnosis as well. I’ve also learned that how well I can cope with being autistic greatly depends on my state of mind at any given moment. When well regulated I can seem as neurotypical as anyone because of my high masking abilities. If recent events have already affected me it’s like a snowball affect on my ...

 Isolation is perhaps the thing that autism gives me that I struggle with the most.  I’m a bit disregulated right now so I will do my best to describe the feeling of isolation that always accompanies the disregulation .  I’m in a situation that’s causing current and ongoing harm. It’s a harm that no one can see or detect but is very real to me. To much detail to explain but the harm comes from certain social interactions that seem to be ordinary to the rest of the world but so very complex to me, so much so that I put such a great deal of mental energy into following all the possible paths of the situation that it greatly reduces my cognitive abilities. Sounds like horse shit , right? It certainly does to me but the truth of it is as real as any physical thing I can touch. I can’t explain this to anyone other than to simply say I am autistic. I’ve learned that means absolutely nothing to most folks. In this state I feel totally disconnected from the rest of the world. My ...

 I don’t believe in magic like when I was a child. Magic could fix anything when I was a child. There was this mysterious force that only the likes of shaman , the Dali lama ,Santa Claus and the Easter bunny could wield . It could make everything ok. It could make my parents not fight , it could make the lights come back on when they were cut off for lack of payment , it could make food appear in the pantry and if I was lucky enough it could fix me too. Ofcourse these were the observations of a child. Soon enough I learned that there was no such thing as magic. With that realization the hope that everything would just somehow be ok went away. I taught my children all these same fairy tales too. An odd thing when you think about it. Giving children all these fanciful stories knowing that one day they too will know are not real. Last night I was watching a game show with my wife and daughter (21) and I suggested that the game was rigged. My daughter told me that I take the magic out ...

 Therapy time, for me that is. I’m always hopeful that someday my posts here might reach someone and help them make sense of things in their life. Hurt, thats a word that has different functions . A noun to describe my feelings and a verb to show the action of my feelings. I feel hurt (the noun) from long ago as if it was yesterday. If a hurt cuts too deep and I can’t make sense of it I will put it away. That type hurt always comes back to me. Each time I feel it as if it just happened. It will sting, burn and  break something inside me and quickly becomes something I can’t look at anymore, it’s just too overwhelming. I write about things to help me sort them. When writing I have the time to think about a thing and describe what I feel about it in detail. This process seems to help me look at and reconcile things from my past that I’ve never been able to put away for good. I don’t write seeking pity , my stories can be hard to believe. I understand because sometimes it’s hard ...